Reborn & Sparkling

Again, I haven’t updated this blog in a while. I started with such dedication and perseverance. I vowed to write on this thing at least once a day. I don’t even know if anyone has seen this other than my friend and myself, but I feel like I’m letting it die.

Perhaps because my life hit a rough patch and my energy was torn into several directions to piece everything back together.

I lost my job and I was quickly running out of money, but luckily for me, I found a job through a temp agency. As of now, it’s temp to perm, so hopefully when my contract runs up in about 3 weeks, they’ll take me on. I really hope so. It’s an easy receptionist job and everyone has been very kind to me so far. My boss even bought me lunch! The woman in charge of training me, not terribly older than myself, is amazed at my… competence. Honestly. The work ethics of people shock me sometimes; I can be made to look like a fucking dynamic genius when some people can’t do the simplest of tasks.

I digress.

Point is, I didn’t want to keep beating a dead horse and fill this blog with my heavy anxieties about having to be a boomerang child, because it’s fucking depressing. My relationship woes, I’d like to think, read as a sort of romantic comedy. So it may be a different type of anxiety, but compared to worrying about monetary issues, it’s a light anxiety.

So on to that.

I called my mother to rant about my man and pour out my feelings about him. How I really wanted to spend more time with him but how we both worked during the week and how hard it was to see each other. At the time, I was translating it as him not caring about me, but we spent this past weekend together and he addressed it before I even said anything, so anxiety alleviated.

However, my mother left a message on my voice mail saying, “I found a song that made me think of the conversation we had, here!” And she started playing “Falling For You” by Colbie Caillat. I love my mom. It made me smile. Another song to strike a chord in my heart with it’s light beat and lyrical simplicity. I tend to say something and over-exemplify and complicate my emotions, but she made it so simple and cute.

The weekend was nice though. We went out, we watched Game of Thrones, and of course sex. Oh, the sex. The sex had during the weekend makes up for the lack of a sexless week. At first, I thought the birth control would fuck with my libido. Nope. I’m back at full swing. And I want to fuck him. A lot.

We got back Friday night from a bar with a bunch of my friends/teammates and he said that he wanted to try something a little different. He turned off the light. Unfortunately, I live in an apartment where the street light shines directly in my window so my room can’t be completely dark. At least for now as I don’t have curtains. Instead, the room was lowly lit, which to me is just as attractive. That sort of lighting hides any flaws… and made his eyes look so dark and sensual.

I savored it. After all, I hadn’t seen him all week. Me on top, him gazing up at me with that attractive, turned-on gaze… I kept at a steady pace, but sometimes he grabs my waist and starts heading toward the finish line. Which I noticed, but sometimes I let him, and I don’t mind because sometimes I tend to go longer than usual just for the fuck of it.

However, this time we hadn’t been doing it for very long when I felt his fingers snake up to my waist.

“No,” I said, firmly, but still in a sexy way that he obliged, letting his hands flop onto the mattress with a thud.

Soon, he was making the best noises I had heard him ever make. Of course, he’s not vocal during sex. He’s breathy, but he doesn’t say anything, so to hear a low groan escape his throat was really exciting.

I thought he was really enjoying it until he said, “I’m sorry, I have to pee.”

I leaned my hips up, about to let him go until his breath hitched again, “Are you sure?”

“Maybe not… I just…”

I brought myself down again and his voice was lost at my movement. Like I said, he shuts up during sex.

I couldn’t resist, “‘You just’, what?”

And again I slowly brought myself up, then down…

“I just… ah…”

“You just…?”

“I just… uhh… I just… ooo…”

So fucking sexy to cut him off that way… I like making him wait. I even said, “If I can wait a whole week for you, you can hold out a few more moments for me.” And he didn’t argue. 

When I make him wait, he makes the best faces… the best noises… he turns his head in the pillow, hiding his flushed face in the side of my arm, lightly biting it with a heavy breath.

After that night, I didn’t remember falling asleep. It was such a blur.

But the next day, we decided to go to the Farmers’ Market and a charity yard sale.

The yard sale was for a pet rescue and I got to play with a cute black kitten that lost one of his eyes, appropriately named Popeye. He scratched me in his playfulness and it didn’t hurt much, but it bled.

“I should probably get a napkin..” I said, staring at the blood.

He looked at it and said, “You need a band aid and sanitizer.”

I told him when I was younger I got cat scratch fever (it exists, look it up!) and he was REALLY insistent on me getting a band aid which I thought was really sweet that he remembered such a little thing I told him, and then took action to make sure it wouldn’t happen again.

Then after that, we went to Goodwill because he wanted to look around for furniture for his room. I wandered the store; bored. When he found me, he playfully, lightly poked and jabbed me. 

I pouted, because I’m a little tickling so sometimes poking makes me twitch.

“Why do you jab at me like that?”

And then he responded, so naturally, “Because I love you.”

And I turned around, my eyes a little brighter before, probably staring in a ‘Are you serious?’ sort of way.

And his eyes widened in that ‘oh shit, I just said that’ way.

“I-I mean…”

Given the fact that he has to mull things over before he decides they’re true, I just said, “Just… don’t worry about it.”

He said he didn’t want to drop the L-bomb unless he meant it, so I didn’t push the issue.

After all, patience IS a virtue.

Your move, darling.

I haven’t written in a while due to some happenings in my personal life, but also because of a small pause in my sex life.

Why? Birth control.

For the first time in my life (I’m 24), I decided to pop the pill and see how that would work. 

When it comes to medication, I’m a paranoid person who always keeps in mind the possibility of being the small percentage that would die due to the pill. 

Okay, not DIE, but you know, the worst side effects. Also, I’m prone to anxiety/depression and I didn’t like the idea of something having the potential to influence my moods. One of my friends (also prone to anxiety/depression) said she couldn’t take it because the mood swings were too bad for her. However, my mother (also a sufferer) said nothing negative ever happened to her. So I took my chance and other than my breasts feeling pre-period sensitive these last couple days, I feel pretty good!

I was also worried about it fucking with my romantic senses. Supposedly, birth control reduces the risk of a woman’s judgment to find her ideal mate because your brain interprets chemical signals differently. I really worried about this. I worried that the scent I’ve come to love would somehow turn nauseating to me or something terrible like that. As I said, that has not come to pass.

However, the fire in me has mellowed. I don’t know if it’s because the honeymoon phase is lulling to that normalcy I spoke of before or because of the pill. When I would think of him pre-pill, my stomach would burn with desire for him and I became so uncontrollably horny I could barely contain myself. Now, I still want to be with him, but the fire has become a smolder, and when I’m around him and he looks at me in that special way, I become heated again.

Good to know my desire hasn’t faded.

I’m more in cuddle mode though and he’s so nice to hold. If cuddling becomes sex, I’m okay with that. 

If anything, I feel like my sex drive has become more mellow, more tame, like a purring cat.